Programs & Initiatives
The complete public registry of Initiative containment programs, published under Director Doyle's transparency order, which he issued to himself and immediately approved. Every program is fictional. Every program is working. — W.D.
The $14 Sandwich Retention Program
Flagship program. One (1) sandwich, deployed at the moment of maximum departure risk. Critics called it lavish. As of this fiscal year, a national chain footlong exceeds $14, rendering our sandwich a value item.
Budget status: unchanged since 1953. The Director has been saying "vindication" all week.
Burrito Deployment Protocol (BDP)
Rapid-response containment. Upon confirmed Zillow activity, a burrito is dispatched to the subject's location. Efficacy: subjects within range of three or more quality establishments are classified functionally immovable (see Research, Memo 1). The protocol has never failed. The protocol has also never been audited. These facts are related.
Operation Golden Gatekeeper
Perimeter morale program. Maintains the strategic reserve of reasons to stay: beach proximity, taco trucks, the good produce, and the exact quality of light at 6 PM that no one can describe but everyone has attempted.
The golden hour lighting is classified.
The Sourdough Anchor Registry
Voluntary program in which no one has voluntarily enrolled and yet enrollment is total. Tracks starters aged 18+ months, each of which legally anchors one household (see Research: the Sunk Sourdough Index). The Registry's oldest starter belongs to a civilian named Gary. The Initiative does not have jurisdiction over Gary. No one does.
Pickleball Court Conversion Directive
Converts tennis courts into retention infrastructure. A subject with a 7:40 AM reservation cannot relocate; their dink game is finally coming together. Adopted over one (1) formal objection from Grid Relations, which was filed under B.
Operation Kombucha Curtain
Former border-hardening initiative. Suspended after Dr. Avicenna's finding that the kombucha was containing no one and may itself have been a symptom (study title rejected; see The Shapnel). Assets redistributed to the burrito reserve.
The In-N-Out Expansion Petition
Formal petition demanding In-N-Out cease all out-of-state expansion, on the grounds that every new location weakens containment (tethering doctrine, Memo 44-B). In-N-Out has not responded. The Director interprets the silence as "productive dialogue."
Interagency Non-Cooperation Framework
Governs relations with the Lone Star Retention Bureau (no returns, no refunds), the Empire State Retention Authority (the bagels are fine; they are simply different), and our federal counterpart, the Key Patriotic Initiative, which outranks this office and has never once returned a call.
Denver remains outside the Framework. We do not discuss Denver.
Program proposals may be submitted to Intake. They will be filed under B. — Office of the Director